This is a satirical paper I wrote for AP English last year. I found it on my old USB drive so I decided to share it. Enjoy.
“Celebrities are people too.” What a ridiculous thought. It is common knowledge that celebrities are gods of entertainment, caged animals on display for the world to enjoy and ridicule. They choose to be famous and they know that being an actor or singer means paparazzi and gossip magazines focusing on them. That is why they go into those careers. However, despite the monumental amount of attention stars are receiving from loyal fans and critics, they still feel as though they are not getting enough time in the spotlight.
Buying every single one of their movies or albums is not enough. Posting videos of them performing every ten minutes on Facebook is not enough. “Following” their every word on Twitter is not enough. Talking about them as if we know them personally and passing judgment on them is not enough. Browsing through embarrassing pictures of them on the internet is not enough. Stalking their romantic partners and making up rumors about their relationships is not providing the amount of attention they need. Famous people deserve to have all the attention they desire, so we need to show our appreciation by giving them what they ask of us. As ordinary people, we need to utilize our right to the knowledge of celebrities’ personal lives even more than ever before.
Some people already are very close to worshipping their favorite celebrity. We need to follow their visionary example. The first step is to choose a top famous person. After that, add them on Facebook, follow them on Twitter, and learn everything there is to know about them. Check Youtube and Google hourly to make sure you stay up to date on every aspect of his or her life. It is crucial to know who his or her significant other is, favorite food, favorite color, and even where they went to high school. Do not stop there! Any other scrap of information you can find furthers your demonstration of devotion. Make sure to emulate the chosen celebrity in every way possible. Eat what he eats, dress how he dresses, talk like he talks. It is impossible to take it too far. Most importantly, buy everything that has anything to do with him or her. Money is the loudest form of support and our poor celebrities are craving our praise.
After mastering the idolization of a celebrity, take on this challenge: worship as many celebrities as can be handled. Some can be bundled together for convenience. For example, one could easily stalk all three of the older Kardashian sisters simultaneously because they frequently appear on the same television shows, in the same magazines, and at the same events. All celebrities ought to have the amount of affection they yearn for so do not only focus on one.
Additionally, we can give celebrities attention indirectly through supporting the companies that focus on celebrities and their personal lives. Always tune in your television to catch the latest episode of Entertainment Tonight and E! News. They are amazing at spreading news of celebrities’ families, failures, mistakes, and anything that one would never want televised about themselves. There are also many websites that are faithful in revealing private information about stars. By visiting these websites constantly, one is giving famous people the notice they hunger after. If an article about how Miley Cyrus has cellulite receives numerous views, then more paparazzi will be following her wherever she goes. These paparazzi will wait hours to photograph her and yell rude comments to trigger negative reactions out of her. Consequently, Miley Cyrus would be much happier because she would feel loved and important.
Stars do not value privacy like normal people. It is a concept that is far too complex for our common heads to understand. We need to honor our prestigious celebrities by satisfying their desire to be animals in cages full-time. We have a duty to stalk them all the time, not just when it is convenient for us. Follow the above suggestions and America’s celebrities will feel extremely fulfilled in their purpose to serve as entertainment and the topic of gossip.