This is a satirical paper I wrote for AP English last year. I found it on my old USB drive so I decided to share it. Enjoy.
“Celebrities are people too.” What a ridiculous thought. It
is common knowledge that celebrities are gods of entertainment, caged animals
on display for the world to enjoy and ridicule. They choose to be famous and
they know that being an actor or singer means paparazzi and gossip magazines
focusing on them. That is why they go
into those careers. However, despite the monumental amount of attention stars are
receiving from loyal fans and critics, they still feel as though they are not
getting enough time in the spotlight.
Buying every single one of their movies or albums is not
enough. Posting videos of them performing every ten minutes on Facebook is not enough. “Following”
their every word on Twitter is not
enough. Talking about them as if we know them personally and passing judgment
on them is not enough. Browsing through embarrassing pictures of them on the
internet is not enough. Stalking their romantic partners and making up rumors
about their relationships is not providing the amount of attention they need.
Famous people deserve to have all the attention they desire, so we need to show
our appreciation by giving them what they ask of us. As ordinary people, we
need to utilize our right to the knowledge of celebrities’ personal lives even
more than ever before.
Some people already are very close to worshipping their
favorite celebrity. We need to follow their visionary example. The first step
is to choose a top famous person. After that, add them on Facebook, follow them on Twitter,
and learn everything there is to know about them. Check Youtube and Google hourly to make sure you stay up to date on every
aspect of his or her life. It is crucial to know who his or her significant
other is, favorite food, favorite color, and even where they went to high
school. Do not stop there! Any other scrap of information you can find furthers
your demonstration of devotion. Make sure to emulate the chosen celebrity in
every way possible. Eat what he eats, dress how he dresses, talk like he talks.
It is impossible to take it too far. Most importantly, buy everything that has
anything to do with him or her. Money is the loudest form of support and our
poor celebrities are craving our praise.
After mastering the idolization of a celebrity, take on this challenge:
worship as many celebrities as can be handled. Some can be bundled together for
convenience. For example, one could easily stalk all three of the older
Kardashian sisters simultaneously because they frequently appear on the same
television shows, in the same magazines, and at the same events. All
celebrities ought to have the amount of affection they yearn for so do not only
focus on one.
Additionally, we can give celebrities attention indirectly
through supporting the companies that focus on celebrities and their personal
lives. Always tune in your television to catch the latest episode of Entertainment Tonight and E! News. They are amazing at spreading
news of celebrities’ families, failures, mistakes, and anything that one would
never want televised about themselves. There are also many websites that are
faithful in revealing private information about stars. By visiting these
websites constantly, one is giving famous people the notice they hunger after. If
an article about how Miley Cyrus has cellulite receives numerous views, then
more paparazzi will be following her wherever she goes. These paparazzi will
wait hours to photograph her and yell rude comments to trigger negative
reactions out of her. Consequently, Miley Cyrus would be much happier because
she would feel loved and important.
Stars do not value privacy like normal people. It is a
concept that is far too complex for our common heads to understand. We need to
honor our prestigious celebrities by satisfying their desire to be animals in
cages full-time. We have a duty to stalk them all the time, not just when it is
convenient for us. Follow the above suggestions and America’s celebrities will feel
extremely fulfilled in their purpose to serve as entertainment and the topic of
gossip.
